"You right?"
"Yeah, good."
That's the standard exchange, and it fails for a simple reason: it's not really a question. It's a greeting wearing a question's clothes. He knows it, you know it, and "yeah, good" is the only answer it's built to take. A man can be in real trouble and pass that check a hundred times.
If you've got a mate you're a bit worried about, gone quiet, drinking more, off his game, something you can't put your finger on, here's how to ask so it counts.
Ask twice, and ask better
The simplest upgrade is the second ask. He says "yeah, good," and you say: "Nah, seriously, how are you actually going?" The second ask does what the first can't: it tells him you mean it, and that you've noticed something.
Better still, name what you've seen, gently: "You've seemed a bit flat lately, mate. Everything all right?" Being noticed matters more than the exact words.
And pick your moment. Side by side beats face to face, in the ute, over a fence, walking, fishing, halfway through a job. Men talk better when they're pointed at something else. Nobody opens up under fluorescent lights with an audience.
Then the hard part: shut up and listen
If he does start talking, your only job is to let him. Don't fill the silences, silences are where the real stuff comes out. "Yeah" and "that sounds rough" are worth more than any speech. You don't need answers. You're not there to be clever; you're there to be there.
What not to do
Don't fix it. The male reflex is to treat it like a leak, find it, patch it, done. Resist. He doesn't need your five-point plan; he needs to be heard first. Solutions offered too early just tell him to stop talking.
Don't minimise. "Ah, we all get like that" or "could be worse" feels like reassurance from your side. From his side it's a door closing.
Don't panic. If he tells you something heavy, the best thing you can do is stay level. "Thanks for telling me, mate" goes a long way. If he's shared something serious, you being calm makes it safe to keep talking.
Nudging him toward real help
You're his mate, not his counsellor, and that's exactly right. A mate's job is the bridge, not the destination. Once he's talked, you can point him somewhere without making it a production:
"You know about 1737, eh? Free, you can just text them. They've even got blokes you can ask for." Said once, plainly, it plants the seed without cornering him. Offer to be around when he calls if that helps. Then check in again in a few days, the follow-up ask is worth as much as the first one, because it proves the first one wasn't a one-off.
If what he tells you is at the heavy end, if you're worried he's not safe, that's beyond what a mate should carry alone. Call 111 if there's immediate danger, or get him talking to 1737 then and there. It's OK to make that call. It's not overreacting; it's what the number is for.
Most of the time, though, it never gets there. Most of the time the whole job is one honest question, asked twice, and the patience to hear the answer out. Cheap as. Do it this week.
If you or a mate needs to talk: call or text 1737, free, 24/7. If someone's in immediate danger, call 111. The full list of helplines is at the bottom of every page.